Writing an obituary is a profound act of love and remembrance, but for a grieving family, it can feel like an overwhelming task. As a funeral director, you are often the steady hand that guides them through this process, helping them transform a collection of memories into a coherent and meaningful tribute. This guide provides a step-by-step framework for helping families understand how to write an obituary, ensuring the final text is accurate, respectful, and a true reflection of the person they loved.
1. The Announcement: Getting the Essential Facts Right
The first and most fundamental part of any obituary is the announcement of the death. This section delivers the core information that readers, friends, and the community need to know. While it seems straightforward, accuracy here is paramount. A simple typo in a name or date can cause significant distress for a family that is already vulnerable.
Start by gathering these essential details:
- Full Legal Name: Include any nicknames the person was widely known by, often in parentheses or quotes, like John “Jack” P. Miller.
- Age at Death: This is a standard and expected detail.
- City and State of Residence: This helps readers identify the person, especially if they have a common name.
- Date of Death: The exact date the person passed away.
- Place of Death (Optional): Some families choose to include this (e.g., “at home, surrounded by family” or the name of a hospital or care facility), while others prefer to omit it for privacy. It is entirely their choice.
Once these facts are confirmed, the opening sentence can be drafted. It is typically a simple, dignified statement. Examples include:
- “Jane Marie Williams, 78, of Denver, Colorado, passed away on June 15, 2024.”
- “With great sadness, the family of Robert ‘Bob’ Chen announces his passing on June 15, 2024, at the age of 92.”
A common question from families is whether to include the cause of death. There is no right or wrong answer. Some families find that stating a cause, such as a “long battle with cancer” or “complications from a recent surgery,” can prevent speculation and answer questions from the community. Others feel it is a private matter and prefer a more general phrase like “passed away peacefully” or “died unexpectedly.” Your role is to present these options without judgment and respect the family's decision.
2. The Biography: Telling the Life Story
This is the heart of the obituary, the section that moves beyond facts and figures to capture the essence of a person's life. Helping a family structure this narrative can be one of the most therapeutic parts of the arrangement process. Encourage them to think chronologically at first, as it often makes it easier to recall key milestones. You can then help them weave these points into a compelling story.
Key Biographical Elements to Include:
- Birth and Early Life: Include the date and place of birth and the names of their parents (e.g., “Born in Chicago, Illinois, on May 1, 1946, to the late Thomas and Eleanor Davis…”). Mentioning siblings can also be appropriate here.
- Education and Career: Note the schools they attended, degrees earned, and their professional life. This isn't just a resume; it's a chance to mention their work ethic, the pride they took in their profession, or the impact they had on their colleagues. For example, instead of “He was an accountant,” consider “He was a trusted accountant for over 40 years, known for his integrity and his dedication to his clients.”
- Marriage and Family: If the deceased was married, mention their spouse and the year they were married. This is a central part of their life story.
- Military Service: If the deceased was a veteran, it is important to mention their branch of service, the years they served, and any honors they received. This is not only a point of pride for the family but also essential for ensuring they receive the veteran burial benefits they are entitled to.
- Passions, Hobbies, and Character: This is where the person's personality shines through. What did they love to do? Were they an avid gardener, a passionate sports fan, a talented musician, or a dedicated volunteer? What were their defining character traits? Were they known for their quick wit, their quiet generosity, or their boundless optimism? Encourage families to share specific anecdotes. “He loved to fish” is good, but “He could spend hours on the lake, patiently teaching his grandchildren how to cast a line” is much better.
The tone of the biography can vary widely. Some are formal and traditional, while others are warm, humorous, and deeply personal. The best approach is one that reflects the personality of the deceased and the family's wishes.
3. The Family: Listing the Survivors and Predeceased
This section honors the family connections that defined the deceased's life. It lists the key relatives who survive them and those who passed away before them. The politics of family can make this section tricky to navigate, and your guidance can help prevent unintentional slights.
Structuring the Family List:
A common and logical order is to list immediate family first, then move to extended relatives:
- Spouse: Mention the surviving spouse first.
- Children: List children by name, often including their spouse in parentheses (e.g., “his daughter, Sarah (Mark) Johnson”).
- Grandchildren and Great-Grandchildren: These can be listed by name if the family is small, or simply by number (e.g., “five grandchildren and two great-grandchildren”) if the family is large.
- Parents and Siblings: List surviving parents and siblings.
- Extended Family: Depending on family preference and newspaper space, this can include in-laws, nieces, nephews, cousins, and close friends who were like family.
The “preceded in death by” section is equally important. It acknowledges significant losses the person experienced in their own life and provides context for the family tree. This typically includes parents, spouses, siblings, or children who died before them.
Advise families to be methodical. Suggest they write down all the names and then review the list together to ensure no one has been forgotten. This small step can prevent a great deal of hurt and confusion later. While you are there to guide, the final decision on who to include and in what order rests with the family.
4. The Service Details: Guiding People to Pay Respects
After telling the story of the life, the obituary must provide the practical details for the services that will honor it. Clear and accurate information is crucial to prevent confusion for those wishing to attend or send condolences. Every detail should be double-checked before publication.
Essential Service Information:
- Service Type: Clearly state the nature of the event(s), such as a funeral service, a memorial service, a celebration of life, a visitation, or a graveside service.
- Date, Time, and Location: For each event, provide the full date (e.g., Saturday, June 22, 2024), the exact start time (including AM/PM), and the complete address of the venue, including the name of the church, funeral home, or cemetery.
- Officiant Information: The family may wish to name the person officiating the service.
- Public or Private: It is important to specify if services are private and for immediate family only. This manages expectations and respects the family’s need for privacy.
This is another area where funeral home technology can significantly reduce the chance of error. When your digital case management system is connected to your funeral home’s website, the service details entered into the case file can automatically populate the online obituary. This single point of data entry eliminates the risk of typos that can occur when information is copied and pasted multiple times. For example, Kindred’s built-in AI tools can help draft an initial obituary from case notes, which the family can then review and refine, ensuring all details are pulled directly from the confirmed arrangements.
5. Closing Statements: Donations, Flowers, and Thank-Yous
The final section of the obituary provides instructions for those who wish to express their sympathy through donations or flowers and often includes a message of gratitude from the family.
Memorial Donations:
Many families today prefer donations to a specific charity or cause in lieu of flowers. This can be a meaningful way to honor the deceased's passions or to support an organization that was important to them, such as a research foundation, a local hospice, or an animal shelter. When listing a charity, provide the full, official name and, if possible, a website or mailing address for donations. This makes it easy for friends and family to follow through.
Examples:
- “In lieu of flowers, the family requests that donations be made to the American Cancer Society.”
- “Memorial contributions may be made in David’s name to the local SPCA at [address/website].”
Flower Information:
If the family welcomes flowers, you can simply omit the “in lieu of” phrase. Some families may have a preference, such as asking for flowers to be sent to the funeral home or the family’s residence. Clear instructions are always helpful.
Acknowledgements:
It is common to include a brief note of thanks from the family. This can be a general expression of gratitude for the support they have received or a specific thank-you to a group of people, such as caregivers, medical staff, or a special community.
Examples:
- “The family wishes to express their sincere gratitude for the sympathy, love, and support they have received during this difficult time.”
- “A special thank you to the staff at Oakwood Nursing Home for their compassionate care in David’s final months.”
By breaking down the obituary into these manageable parts, you can turn a daunting writing assignment into a meaningful exercise in remembrance. Your calm, structured approach provides the support families need to create a tribute that is both a comfort to them and an honor to the life that was lived.
Conclusion: A Lasting Tribute
An obituary is more than just a notice of death; it is the first draft of history, a summary of a life that mattered. By guiding families through each component—the essential facts, the life story, the family connections, and the service details—you help them create a lasting document that honors their loved one with dignity and care. Your expertise transforms a difficult task into a focused act of remembrance, which is a profound service in itself.
Kindred’s case management software is designed to support this work, with built-in AI tools that help draft obituaries and media design features for memorial items, all pulling from a single, accurate source of truth. By handling the administrative details, Kindred gives you more time to focus on what matters most: serving families. See how Kindred can help you streamline your process.
